The Age of Worry

So a week has passed since i started my BPTC course.  Before i move on to the complaints, i shall provide an insight of my thoughts prior to the course.  i honestly wasn't that keen to start the course.  i did not want to give up the comfort of my home and exchange it for a supposed year of hell in cardiff.  but i made a choice and the consequences arising from this choice was that i had to do what i had to do.  i have heard many horror stories about the course but to comfort my flustered soul, i told myself hey if others can do it too then how hard could it possibly be?

now fast forward to today.  after this first week of what seems to be the introductory part of the course, it is safe to say that what little confidence i have left of surviving the course is thrown out the window.  everyday in the classroom i am reminded on how undeserving i was to be there.  i am constantly lost and unlike my peers i think it takes me twice as long to actually comprehend the teachings.  most of my peers were offered a place on the first try whilst i was placed on shortlist.  cardiff must have sensed my inability from my application but why offer me a place later i have no idea.  and to top it off, i am haunted by the intimidation from the participation of some of my peers with their questions.  when lecturers asks the class if there were any questions, i feel like raising my hand and telling them - i have questions, tons of them but i am not even sure what i do know and what i don't so i do not know how to propose a question to get my desired answer.  the reading is a nightmare.  the civil litigation session plan required us to make necessary reading preparations that was worth 11 hours in total.  the books were distributed to us yesterday and classes did not end until 4.30 pm.  if you do a quick calculation between then and 9 am today, it is near impossible to follow the session plan unless you do not eat, shower or even sleep which is ridiculous.

and the best part yet, advocacy.  my worst nightmare.  and i am required to dress up for a session next week.  oh joy.  

hence to conclude, the week is anything but great.  not even close to being an average week.  as the day passes i am increasingly aware of my shortcomings and my incompetence and i start to wonder as to how long would i last before the nervous breakdown takes place.  

but at this moment, i am putting the nightmare behind me.  i am going to finish my bottle of smirnoff (i finished a quarter in two days) and unwind to john mayer and maybe watch some of my drama series.  it's not that i am not bothered.  i am very much depressed by it.  but i am not about to let this course rob me of my sanity.  only another 8 months plus to go.  lovely.  

No Green Pastures, Just Hard Dirt

It is time to pack up and reunite with the world again.  On rare occassions when I am out testing the waters with the living, I watch and observe the daily occurance of people, shuffling about with their business.  Talking on their cellphones, rushing about to catch the train or the bus, messing about on their gadgets, the occasional readers of the newspapers and most interestingly, staring into space.  They all look so worn out, tired, anxious, annoyed and some even lost.  Their contorted expressions reminded me how most of them, if not all would gladly trade their everyday life for the free and easy life of mine.  No schedules to stick to and no obligations to be anywhere or to do anything.  However, when that happens I am overcome with the stark realisation that in a few years time, that would be me.

Scratch that last bit.  In a few weeks time, that would be me.  My hiatus period is fast coming to an end.  Not that I favour these hiatus periods but I do appreciate them while they last because I know how soon the mugging would hit me right after that period, whether I am ready or not.  I'll be heading back in four days.  I am constantly being reminded that this time, the 'honeymoon' period would no longer be bestowed upon me.  My degree stint was a breeze I would say.  Even for my final year, despite all the redbulls and all nighters, the year was an easy one.  I would daringly admit that I was not bogged down by much stress as I had anticipated.  In fact I think I had more time to muck about with nonsensical activities than being bogged down by my studies.

But it would be different now.  Between the fear of embarassment and the fear being sent back home for underperforming, it would be sensible to anticipate that it would be on hell of a ride.  You know, the human will power is a fascinating one.  When placed under strict and stressful circumstances, one might continue to react to the circumstance as they would to any other same circumstance...that is, until an occurance that would create a turning point in their lives.  They would first fall terribly and some might lose hope and all confidence until they realise that in order to survive, the would either have to step up and change their perception or face dying figuratively.  It is only then that the willpower kicks in, giving one the strength to carry out the tasks in ways they never knew was possible.  That my friend is the fasination of human beings.  I question my ability to perform.  I have always had poor advocacy skills and I am worried that it might cost me my chance and opportunity for greater things at the institution.  Who is to say that when the pressure hits home, I won't choose to give up?  These are all possible probabilities.  Some castigate me for making a mountain out of a molehill but i see it as a way of preparing myself.  However, all said and done, only time would tell.  I honestly pray that time would never come.

So here's to me.  Another term with another set of problems to work on and sadly, another step closer to being part of the lost and tired crowd of the living society.  As they say, welcome to the real world.