Tuesday, September 3, 2013

It's Not You, It's Me.

I sometimes find that the chapters of life mirrors that of a board game.  In a board game, you have a certain number of pathstones to pass and every time you have passed certain numbers of pathstones, you reach a new level.  As the level increases, your path would be filled with even more challenges that could potentially bring your advancement to a screeching halt.  That is how life is when one grows older.  In a few months, I would have reached the end of the pathway marked "STUDENT' and entering the door marked "ADULTHOOD".  Behind this door, I am faced with new game rules and challenges.  I would now be expected to be my sole support.  To be able to accept and reflect on harsh and blunt criticisms and physical actions.  To be responsible for the bills, contracts and such that I once thought were minute and trivial.  To be accountable for my own actions, ie if I fuck up, I get the consequences thrown at me.  and so on and so forth.
As I am listing down the new "additions" that comes with being an adult, a huge part of me is cringing and dreading these additions.  The truth is, I am not ready to open that door.  In fact, I do not want to.  I feel like I am pushed by some invisible force, against my will, towards that door marked "ADULTHOOD".  In fact I have been pushed to the point of having my hands closed firmly around the doorknob while I am using all the strength I have within me to prevent myself from turning the doorknob and passing through that door. 
They ask me, what are you so afraid of?  In order for growth, this is inevitable.  you cannot expect to be supported by others all your life.  you need to move forward and embrace the change.  I am well aware of all these and I know the importance of moving forward.  However, to move forward would be to go through my biggest fear: change. 
Change is inevitable.  we experience change everyday.  in fact, the decisions we make day to day, however minute would bring about some form of change in our very lives.  Hence no two days is ever the same.  we are constantly experiencing new things, learning from them and at the same time evolving in the process.  without change, there cannot be growth. 
I am one example that amplifies how there can be no growth without change.  I am a cautious, overly cautious if I might add.  I live within the four imaginary walls of my comfort zone.  new experiences scares me greatly.  I would never allow myself to be put in a situation where I have no idea what I am getting into/what lies ahead/where I have a feeling that something would go horribly wrong in the process.  I have absolutely zero confidence in myself.  The end result of it all leads to regrets, lost opportunities and what could have beens. 
I have no idea how I would survive adulthood and I am well aware that there must be a big change and elimination of such thought and negative attitude on my part but at this point, again due to fear, I am unable to bring myself to welcome such change.  Only time would tell how things would pan out for me.  sometimes I pray and hope that something would happen to the point where my only hope of survival is to execute the change that I need.  Until that day comes, who knows what would become of me.