No Green Pastures, Just Hard Dirt

It is time to pack up and reunite with the world again.  On rare occassions when I am out testing the waters with the living, I watch and observe the daily occurance of people, shuffling about with their business.  Talking on their cellphones, rushing about to catch the train or the bus, messing about on their gadgets, the occasional readers of the newspapers and most interestingly, staring into space.  They all look so worn out, tired, anxious, annoyed and some even lost.  Their contorted expressions reminded me how most of them, if not all would gladly trade their everyday life for the free and easy life of mine.  No schedules to stick to and no obligations to be anywhere or to do anything.  However, when that happens I am overcome with the stark realisation that in a few years time, that would be me.

Scratch that last bit.  In a few weeks time, that would be me.  My hiatus period is fast coming to an end.  Not that I favour these hiatus periods but I do appreciate them while they last because I know how soon the mugging would hit me right after that period, whether I am ready or not.  I'll be heading back in four days.  I am constantly being reminded that this time, the 'honeymoon' period would no longer be bestowed upon me.  My degree stint was a breeze I would say.  Even for my final year, despite all the redbulls and all nighters, the year was an easy one.  I would daringly admit that I was not bogged down by much stress as I had anticipated.  In fact I think I had more time to muck about with nonsensical activities than being bogged down by my studies.

But it would be different now.  Between the fear of embarassment and the fear being sent back home for underperforming, it would be sensible to anticipate that it would be on hell of a ride.  You know, the human will power is a fascinating one.  When placed under strict and stressful circumstances, one might continue to react to the circumstance as they would to any other same circumstance...that is, until an occurance that would create a turning point in their lives.  They would first fall terribly and some might lose hope and all confidence until they realise that in order to survive, the would either have to step up and change their perception or face dying figuratively.  It is only then that the willpower kicks in, giving one the strength to carry out the tasks in ways they never knew was possible.  That my friend is the fasination of human beings.  I question my ability to perform.  I have always had poor advocacy skills and I am worried that it might cost me my chance and opportunity for greater things at the institution.  Who is to say that when the pressure hits home, I won't choose to give up?  These are all possible probabilities.  Some castigate me for making a mountain out of a molehill but i see it as a way of preparing myself.  However, all said and done, only time would tell.  I honestly pray that time would never come.

So here's to me.  Another term with another set of problems to work on and sadly, another step closer to being part of the lost and tired crowd of the living society.  As they say, welcome to the real world.