The Age of Worry

So a week has passed since i started my BPTC course.  Before i move on to the complaints, i shall provide an insight of my thoughts prior to the course.  i honestly wasn't that keen to start the course.  i did not want to give up the comfort of my home and exchange it for a supposed year of hell in cardiff.  but i made a choice and the consequences arising from this choice was that i had to do what i had to do.  i have heard many horror stories about the course but to comfort my flustered soul, i told myself hey if others can do it too then how hard could it possibly be?

now fast forward to today.  after this first week of what seems to be the introductory part of the course, it is safe to say that what little confidence i have left of surviving the course is thrown out the window.  everyday in the classroom i am reminded on how undeserving i was to be there.  i am constantly lost and unlike my peers i think it takes me twice as long to actually comprehend the teachings.  most of my peers were offered a place on the first try whilst i was placed on shortlist.  cardiff must have sensed my inability from my application but why offer me a place later i have no idea.  and to top it off, i am haunted by the intimidation from the participation of some of my peers with their questions.  when lecturers asks the class if there were any questions, i feel like raising my hand and telling them - i have questions, tons of them but i am not even sure what i do know and what i don't so i do not know how to propose a question to get my desired answer.  the reading is a nightmare.  the civil litigation session plan required us to make necessary reading preparations that was worth 11 hours in total.  the books were distributed to us yesterday and classes did not end until 4.30 pm.  if you do a quick calculation between then and 9 am today, it is near impossible to follow the session plan unless you do not eat, shower or even sleep which is ridiculous.

and the best part yet, advocacy.  my worst nightmare.  and i am required to dress up for a session next week.  oh joy.  

hence to conclude, the week is anything but great.  not even close to being an average week.  as the day passes i am increasingly aware of my shortcomings and my incompetence and i start to wonder as to how long would i last before the nervous breakdown takes place.  

but at this moment, i am putting the nightmare behind me.  i am going to finish my bottle of smirnoff (i finished a quarter in two days) and unwind to john mayer and maybe watch some of my drama series.  it's not that i am not bothered.  i am very much depressed by it.  but i am not about to let this course rob me of my sanity.  only another 8 months plus to go.  lovely.